Gosh, my head is full.

Today was surreal. I'm still very much in my head about it.

It has only been a few years of tentative relationship building between my birth grandparents and myself. A few day visits to their aging property.

And each visit I've mulled over, pulled apart and relished in the conversations. The little insights, stories of family and my grandparents rose coloured remembrances of times past filtered through my eager ears are pleasurable. I'm certain such events are painted now with memory-tainted brushes yet I am glad that they are at peace with their past. Even more so, I am glad they both seem at peace with me being in the present.

So why so much mulling today? Final visit to the farm. 120+ years of history sold. Before I'd even built a relationship with my birth family I'd researched this property. I read the census reports on how many cows, pigs, sheep wheat, children etc.... any information I could attain about the farm. I love research. It is so fallable and yet so easily accepted as truth.

In light of a beautiful fall afternoon I took a walk about the property. In the collapsing barn, discovering an ancestor's name on a barn door that may be old-news to all those who grew up there but so excitingly new to history buff me. The 5th and 6th generations walking a familiar and unfamilar path. I knew full well that this would be the first and last discovery of the like for me.

So, romantically and unrealistically, I dream of a connect between the history of this farm and myself. I walked the field feeling the comfort of being 'home' when I know it is not home. I'm am acutely aware that this sale may be causing chaos and pain for those 'truly' connected to its history. Still, today for me, history remained in the past...even mine..and it really didn't matter. I was just so thankful for the opportunity to be there in that moment and thankful to my bmom for letting that connect happen.

A side note: Nixie really is upset about the family dog being moved to a new home and can't understand where the guy whose name on the barn door went (he would be 5 generations from here). She thought that he (said ancestor) had taken the dog away to a new home. It was difficult in the moment to explain 100's of years of family members and how we don't live forever in light of her mourning the missing family pet.

Bucket List

Although my father-in-law insists that many of the items on this list are a 'waste of time'...I still dream about doing them...and hey...I should dream big.

So here's my bucket list. (aka - things to accomplish before kicking the bucket).

List of 50…
1. Work/volunteer in a library or as a archivist.
2. Foster a child/teenager.
3. Get a dog (believe me this is a life altering decision for a cat-lover)
4. Take a backwoods camping trip.
5. Visit New York City and attend a Broadway play.
6. See the Grand Canyon.
7. Paint a painting
8. Compose a piece.
9. See the northern lights.
10. Visit Ireland (I will not kiss the Blarney stone.)
11. Get to Lifetime membership in WW.
12. Learn to drive a standard vehicle (properly).
13. See my daughter get married.
14. Get one more piercing.
15. Ride a horse.
16. Join a quilting club
17. Be debt free.
18. Play flute in a orchestra/symphony/community band.
19. Have a work of writing published.
20. Win a prize in a contest ** September 5/09 Won a BOOK. Woohoo!
21. Wear a formal dress.
22. Show Nixie the Mayan Pyramids I climbed as a child.
23. See the Egyptian pyramids.
24. Have a butterfly land on me.
25. Take a boat trip (another fear) up the Canal or through the great Lakes.
26. Remodel the shop on the side of our house.
27. Be part of a great volunteer organization.
28. Run 5km race.
29. Learn to skate backwards properly.
30. Find out what happened the boy who proposed to me in Russia when I was 16.
31. Take a 100km bike trip.
32. Drive to the East Coast.
33. See a whale.
34. Make a snowfort.
35. Grow an apple tree (or two) and harvest at least 25 apples.
36. Meet a celebrity in a totally human scenario.
37. Get my husband to read one book he’s excited about.
38. See the Olympics live (not Vancouver unfortunatly)
39. Win a Ribbon in a Horticultural Competition ** Aug 15/09 3rd place Dahlia + Special Award
40. Re-learn to read/write in basic Russian.
41. Learn 100 words by sight in Dutch.
42. Climb a Rock Wall.
43. Have a pig roast and moon-dance party.
44. Hold my grandchild(ren).
45. Read one book a day for one year.
46. Find a relic/artifact/antiquity.
47. Name a star.
48. See a tornado – from very very very far away.
49. Touch a lion.
50. Save a starfish.

Where did two months go?

Um. I've probably lost all my readership.

Two months of silence via this blog is pathetic. I wish there was an excuse - not likely will I find one eloquent enough to blog here.

I've been blogging away on my weight-loss blog pretty faithfully but I don't think all of me can be contained in a day to day food and exercise memo to the world.

For instance:

* I've started writing again. Scary. I'm delighted by beauty and need to explore that creative side a little more (other than creative food). You might see some of it here.

* Nixie is growing up and I've left her out of the blogging world for a little to long. For those who came here for updates - um....she's 6 now, 4 foot tall, riding horses independently and completely like her mother - except for her looks. I'm completely dreading her teenage years and trying to hold on desperately to these ones.

* I'm working on a bucket list. I've already wrote it down and crossed things off it this summer - but hey, such an expansive list deserves a completely ambiguous audience.

So, I'm back to being finally my own. See you soon :)

Benjamin DE 1990 - 2009

On Wednesday morning, a young man whose story and life with cancer over the last year, passed away just shy of 20 years.

His mother has been faithfully writing her love, her faith and her son's tremendous journey out every day for the past year and 1000's if not 10000's were reading, hoping and praying.

Two weeks ago, the family brought Ben home from LHSC to 'live'. In his final days he loved his family, enjoyed the company of friends and as he slipped into hallucinations he spoke of light and food and the wonderful things before his eyes that no one else could see.

My prayers are with his mom, dad and 3 siblings.

Ben, I KNOW you are somewhere far better. Thanks for touching my life :)

Life has had to Weight

I was about to retire this blog. Mostly because I was on a roll with my weight-loss and had a routine that worked.

Then life took over in August and I realized that as important as losing the weight is to me - I can keep that part of my life without letting it take over. Plus....so much is changing.

Brief summer recap:

July seemed boring.
* One camping trip - rained out, dug trenches and kept a very bored 6 year old in the tent for hours on end. Came home soggy.


* Re-filed a no-contact/disclosure order on my adoption papers.
* Play dates with Nixie's friends - pirate day, beach day, crafts, activities. Fun.
*Raspberries, red currents without end.

Yep, that was July.

August:
* Prep for my local fair. 80+ entries and Nixie entered 15. I won 6 firsts, 10 seconds, 5 thirds and took a special Award for a Dahlia and a Raspberry/Apple Crisp. I won 80% of the canning categories I entered. Nixie swept her age group with a 1st place in each category except 2 where she took second. She also won Best in Show (Age wise) and a Director's Award.
* Prep for a fall job. See below for proper freak out.
* Vacation Bible School for Nixie.
* Visit from my father (first time meeting Nix) on top of my fair weekend.
* Gardening - the lack of sun has finished my tomatoes, but the rest of the garden is overflowing.
* The home farm house sold and we moved BIL and SIL to new house across road. VERY jealous....very.
* I learned how to part chickens. (ewww)
* My grandparent's house sold. (Much drama to follow I'm sure)
* Prep for a few students on top of new job for fall.

.....that new job thingy.

So, with Nix going to school full time I thought it would be a good idea to keep myself a little busier during the day. So when a friend asked me to take care of her two boys, one aged 3 and one aged 1yr...I thought - no problem.

...the trial days have convinced me that I definitely do not want more kids. During playtime they are angels. BUT...come down time the baby is a screamer and refuses to nap. This could be a very trying way to fill my days. And did I mention that it is not a regular schedule. So now I have hubby on a rotating schedule and myself inconsistent....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....

Stay tuned. Life seems to be turning and twisting again.

Ooooo....Time to Update

I have a focus.

Usually I scatter my focus in various directions but right now (amongst all the busy) I am spending my time working out, cooking low-fat and losing weight. (See other blog)

There has been other busy-ness. Note bulleted list below (bullets just for Thumbprint)

~ Our shish-kebab party was great - I've learned that in 'case of inclimate weather' 40+ people do fit into our house. Barely.

~ Gardening - actually this just involves me standing over the tomatos/peppers etc - saying 'come on - its really not that cold a June - did you know it once snowed on my birthday'. In spite of all the pep-talking they are simply focusing their energy below the soil :(

~ Fighting Hydro. No more of a comment then - they really, really tried to have us pay them an extra 600 dollars for hydro I didn't use. For a while, I thought someone might have put a small 'weed' operation in my basement. Hubby corrected the theives, I mean hydro company.

~ Planning for the fair. Oh, how I love canning. Did I mention strawberries are ready next week?

~ OCD sorting the church music filing cabinet. I did this once 10 years ago. Apparently the new pastor would like it done again. Can you imagine that no one has touched it since the last sort. It only took me 10 hours of filing. That did my OCD in. I was very testy. Grrrr..... You can imagine that with my other quirky 'hate paper' disorder - that most of the files were recycled.

~ Yard Sales. Ummm, yes I have a fear of them - but somehow I got talked into participating in a famly yard sale. We sold some stuff. Including our coffee table. Note: You should probably have replacement furniture before you sell the used stuff. Nixie says "but where are we eating breakfest?" - Oh, I don't know - our kitchen table should be used once in a while :) (Smirk) Problem is solved now. New set in living room! (Too new to eat off of yet - sorry Nix)

~ Anniversary. Did you know we've (Hubby and I) been married 10 years. Thats a friggin' long time. Figures we can't decide together what we should do to celebrate.

Oh - and I figured I would post a pic of my children. Oh how they love each other - and neither sleeps through the night particularily well. I love them just the same!

Busy, busy, busy!!

Definatly upping the anty on social interactions this weekend.

Friday - volunteer at school and movies with Nixie.
Saturday - our family yard sale, Pampered chef party immediatly after, then prep for....
Sunday - LARGE 40 person Shish-kebab party at our place. (It really did start out small)

AHAHAHAHAHHA

Do you know how insane my OCD has been going trying to work the numbers for how much food we need to stick on a stick?

I'm just glad now that they are calling for sun - cause that was completly out of my control.

(Did I mention that I hate Yard sales)
(Oh...and did I mention that we planned all this and then Hubby got schedualed to work through all of it....phiff.)